Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
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I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1