interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
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Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Yoga Matt
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Trumpy Cat
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*