If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
You Might Also Like
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.