So sick of all these stupid rules
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She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.