My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
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i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends