while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
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I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
There are usually two types of merchants.
new record!
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture: