*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
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if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
A Short Story.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.