Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
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wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
This is not me but this is me
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat