Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
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Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.