everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
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If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Me recordaron éste meme
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
love pickles so much i put myself in one