My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
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[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.