I know karate and tons of other words.
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Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.