The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
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As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Stop it! 😂
new wife guy just dropped
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…