Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
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I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure