Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
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Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.