[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
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I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do