Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
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*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.