lmfao
You Might Also Like
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Forever 21… pounds overweight
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never