Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
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Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
how high up are we talkin’?
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life