Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
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Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.