[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
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Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Happy thanksgiving
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive