yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
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I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?