7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
You Might Also Like
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.