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Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.