God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
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True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws