[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
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My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy