Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
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‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
good for her
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.