Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
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If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Mornin. * use accordingly
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
don’t be scared
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many