It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
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I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.