[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
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quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
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“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Born to be mild.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.