I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
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Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.