“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
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I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.