my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
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*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
forgive me baja for i have blast
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*