Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
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No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *