Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
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i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
the noise i just made
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone