Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
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Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.