What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
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yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable