Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
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Any time a child tries to guess my age.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Introverted vegans go meetless
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I believe the plural is “milves.”
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK