Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert