My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
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Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Jurassic park gets weird
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.