ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
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I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.