[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
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“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.