“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
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Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???