This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
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me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
My neck my back my allergy attack
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?