My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
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SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair