What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
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I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
(True)
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.