*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
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“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*