Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
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Cat.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.