Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
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Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”