Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
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ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
When your parents check you’re ok.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.